Post the First: My Friends...

...and what the fuck is wrong with them?

Today was god damn surreal, even by my standards. I guess living with a big family will inure you to weird stuff, especially one as weird as mine, but even they couldn't have prepared me for this.

It started off simple enough. I made sure a friend of mine would lie if I put him down for an employment reference, and his response was to ask if I'd try some acid, to make sure it was okay. Why I would know, I dunno. I'm not a drug user, but hey, maybe it's one of those things that you just know. I guess if I started hallucinating that my skin was melting, it'd be pretty obvious.

That's not so weird, though. My friends generally try to get me to do stupid things, and aside from mind-altering substances, more often than not they succeed.

Later, a friend of mine started a conversation with 'So, I was masturbating earlier.' I had to stop him because really, there's no possible positive way that statement can go. The best outcome involves him blinding himself and it only goes downhill from there. And that was a terribly poor choice of words.

The final straw was a simple text. "Girlfriend asked me to shave the nether regions. Cut myself bad enough to need stiches."

Honestly, nothing I can say can make that any better. There are just no words.